The Song of My Spirit
Week Five
By Kristen Debler
I
read a blog the other day that was written by a plus size model. I happened to
look at her pictures and she was gorgeous. Do you want to know why? Because she
was confident and happy with her own body and who she was. She was comfortable
in her own skin. Her words made me think and they made me cry. They made me cry
because I started thinking about my own self-image and what the media (and
society) has done to my self-image. I started to think about how much control
other people have over how I think about myself. I mean, think about this. Thousands
of people that I don’t even know, control how I feel about my SELF IMAGE.
Why is that?
I think it’s because there are a lot of things about me that I don’t like or that I’m not comfortable with. The biggest thing that I am not comfortable with is my weight. One of the things that gets to me is that people cannot get past my weight, like it is the only thing they see or that is important about me; the only thing that matters. People look at me and judge me on it and they treat me differently because of it. They look at it like a contagious disease that if they get too close to me they might somehow get it. I do admit that I have gained a significant amount of weight in the past few years but I have been chubby since I hit puberty. But it was something about myself that I have never liked or accepted because of the comments of other people.
The ironic thing is, that I do not eat more than any normal person, I do not gorge on sweets, candies or cakes. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like my share of sweets too but I love carrots, broccoli, snap peas, berries, yogurt and cottage cheese. The only issue is that I am short and all of my fat goes to my stomach and nowhere else. If I was taller, I would probably be more proportionate. Maybe someone could invent a stretcher and add some inches on me. I wouldn't mind.
Why is that?
I think it’s because there are a lot of things about me that I don’t like or that I’m not comfortable with. The biggest thing that I am not comfortable with is my weight. One of the things that gets to me is that people cannot get past my weight, like it is the only thing they see or that is important about me; the only thing that matters. People look at me and judge me on it and they treat me differently because of it. They look at it like a contagious disease that if they get too close to me they might somehow get it. I do admit that I have gained a significant amount of weight in the past few years but I have been chubby since I hit puberty. But it was something about myself that I have never liked or accepted because of the comments of other people.
The ironic thing is, that I do not eat more than any normal person, I do not gorge on sweets, candies or cakes. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like my share of sweets too but I love carrots, broccoli, snap peas, berries, yogurt and cottage cheese. The only issue is that I am short and all of my fat goes to my stomach and nowhere else. If I was taller, I would probably be more proportionate. Maybe someone could invent a stretcher and add some inches on me. I wouldn't mind.
The reason that I started working on my weight this year was because I had gotten to a point, in my life, where I was physically unhappy. My back was killing me and it hurt to walk and even to stand for long periods of time. I had never experienced that before. I used to walk places all of the time. It even hurt to do normal day things at times. At this rate I would be wheel chair ridden if I continued my path. The most basic part of life I was having troubles with; walking. I could not do that for myself. So, I set a goal to lose weight or do things that would make it easier for me to live life with movement and no constraints. I don’t want to miss life because I couldn't get up and see it.
The
blog that I read the other day was about people associating being overweight with
being unhealthy. This isn't necessarily true. You can still be big and be
healthy or skinny and unhealthy. Weight isn't necessarily about food but
genetics. Society needs to work on teaching girls about a positive image. And
to love, not hate, who they are. I know that I need to reflect a positive image
on myself. There is no change without self-love. If you do not love yourself
enough then you will not work hard enough to change and make a better you. I do
realize that I can be big, healthy and happy. I NEED to stop letting others
control how I feel about myself. I think that this blog is helping me do that.
Song
of My Spirit is my ongoing journey of knowledge, positive self–image and the
path I walk to find a better me. Writing this blog piece inspired me to start
writing a poem. I have had a huge creative block the past couple of years and
the other day it just hit me and I had to write it down. This is just the
beginning of the piece that I have stated writing. It is the rising up part of
my journey. The part when I realize that I need to dance.
Song of my spirit: Hena Mi (Rise up)
Hena Mi…. Dance….
Hena Mi…Dance…
Stomp!
To the rhythm of my
heart beat
The beat that flows
through mother earth.
Thump…thump….
Thump…thump…
Like a drum connected
around the world.
I close my eyes and I
listen to the dance
Carried on the wind
And it cleanses me,
Like the sweet smell of
sage
From this blackness
that pervades me.
This blackness that
follows my footsteps,
Elludes my path
And leaves me lost and
bewildered.
Where am I supposed to
go?
Unu (grandmother), Apu
(Father),
I feel sticky
Almost as if have been
caught in spider’s web
Unaware of when he was
looking for innocent prey.
Unu, can you find me?
Listen to the beat of
the earth.
I will continue to
dance
So that you can find
me.
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