The Song Of My Spirit

The Song of My Spirit

Week Five

By Kristen Debler

I read a blog the other day that was written by a plus size model. I happened to look at her pictures and she was gorgeous. Do you want to know why? Because she was confident and happy with her own body and who she was. She was comfortable in her own skin. Her words made me think and they made me cry. They made me cry because I started thinking about my own self-image and what the media (and society) has done to my self-image. I started to think about how much control other people have over how I think about myself. I mean, think about this. Thousands of people that I don’t even know, control how I feel about my SELF IMAGE. 

Why is that? 

I think it’s because there are a lot of things about me that I don’t like or that I’m not comfortable with. The biggest thing that I am not comfortable with is my weight. One of the things that gets to me is that people cannot get past my weight, like it is the only thing they see or that is important about me; the only thing that matters. People look at me and judge me on it and they treat me differently because of it. They look at it like a contagious disease that if they get too close to me they might somehow get it. I do admit that I have gained a significant amount of weight in the past few years but I have been chubby since I hit puberty. But it was something about myself that I have never liked or accepted because of the comments of other people. 

The ironic thing is, that I do not eat more than any normal person, I do not gorge on sweets, candies or cakes. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like my share of sweets too but I love carrots, broccoli, snap peas, berries, yogurt and cottage cheese. The only issue is that I am short and all of my fat goes to my stomach and nowhere else. If I was taller, I would probably be more proportionate. Maybe someone could invent a stretcher and add some inches on me. I wouldn't mind.

The reason that I started working on my weight this year was because I had gotten to a point, in my life, where I was physically unhappy. My back was killing me and it hurt to walk and even to stand for long periods of time. I had never experienced that before. I used to walk places all of the time. It even hurt to do normal day things at times. At this rate I would be wheel chair ridden if I continued my path. The most basic part of life I was having troubles with; walking. I could not do that for myself. So, I set a goal to lose weight or do things that would make it easier for me to live life with movement and no constraints. I don’t want to miss life because I couldn't get up and see it.

I believed that I gained this excess weight for many reasons. First, I believe that I have a thyroid problem that makes it harder to lose weight because it slows down your metabolism. I seem to have 9 out of 10 symptoms. The second reason is stress. But the most important reason is because I am UNHAPPY with myself. I let myself go because I lost who I was. I remember an independent person and all I see is a needy one. There are steps that I need to take to find that independent, lovable, confident Kristen who is somewhere hiding inside me. The girl who fought to get into Law School. The girl who has fought and done so much in her life to get her here. But there is a lot that I want to learn and do. I do not want to be held back or constrained for any reason. I WANT to be HAPPY!

                                                                                      

The blog that I read the other day was about people associating being overweight with being unhealthy. This isn't necessarily true. You can still be big and be healthy or skinny and unhealthy. Weight isn't necessarily about food but genetics. Society needs to work on teaching girls about a positive image. And to love, not hate, who they are. I know that I need to reflect a positive image on myself. There is no change without self-love. If you do not love yourself enough then you will not work hard enough to change and make a better you. I do realize that I can be big, healthy and happy. I NEED to stop letting others control how I feel about myself. I think that this blog is helping me do that.

Song of My Spirit is my ongoing journey of knowledge, positive self–image and the path I walk to find a better me. Writing this blog piece inspired me to start writing a poem. I have had a huge creative block the past couple of years and the other day it just hit me and I had to write it down. This is just the beginning of the piece that I have stated writing. It is the rising up part of my journey. The part when I realize that I need to dance.

Song of my spirit: Hena Mi (Rise up)

Hena Mi…. Dance….

Hena Mi…Dance…

Stomp!

To the rhythm of my heart beat

The beat that flows through mother earth.

Thump…thump….

Thump…thump…

Like a drum connected around the world.

I close my eyes and I listen to the dance

Carried on the wind

And it cleanses me,

Like the sweet smell of sage

From this blackness that pervades me.

This blackness that follows my footsteps,

Elludes my path

And leaves me lost and bewildered.

Where am I supposed to go?

Unu (grandmother), Apu (Father),

I feel sticky

Almost as if have been caught in spider’s web

Unaware of when he was looking for innocent prey.

Unu, can you find me?

Listen to the beat of the earth.

I will continue to dance

So that you can find me.