The Song of My Spirit 4

The Song of My Spirit
The Journey to become a Better Me: Week Four

By Kristen Debler

Dear My Future Self,

I am looking back at my reflection in the mirror and I am in awe at what is looking back at me. You are so grateful and blessed to see the old you looking back. The old you that was so determined but scared of moving forward in life. The scared old you that is sitting here on the couch, the most comfortable place in the house, frustrated at what her life has become. The old, naïve and younger version of yourself who was frustrated with being stuck, in so many ways. Stuck in her overweight body that has constricted her from doing ordinary things, stuck in her place in life, her work, her marriage and even her dreams. This person who is not only stuck but scared. What were we afraid of?   We were scared of the doctors and what they might say about our health. We were scared that the things that we feared having: diabetes, high blood pressure, etc., actually came true. We were afraid of dealing with that.

You laugh, as you remember the day that you decided that enough was enough! The day that you were too tired of being stuck and scared and of not doing anything about it. You didn’t want to be this lazy, scared, fragment of the person who you used to be. We used to be strong and determined to make a place for ourselves in life. Where did we become so lost? But this type of reminiscing is okay because we wanted to show how important that our struggle is for our future selves. We haven’t made it out of the woods yet but we are getting there, day by day. There is a big smile on your face because you are grateful for all of the lessons that we are going through right now. There have been and will continue to be moments of self-hate, harsh judgment and condescending words that are going to be tossed around in your head. The old you would listen to these things but the new you is going to prove that these words mean nothing. They are motivators to make you a more self-loving person.

We know the steps that we are taking are not easy. But what change in life is? Remember the motto, no pain, no gain? This is so true because we cannot work on making ourselves better versions of ourselves if we do not feel some sort of physical, emotional, mental or spiritual pain. Pain is where the ultimate lessons lie.

My future self, I know that you are proud of me for learning these lessons, for diving in head first and start working on myself. You see that I am trying day by day, and that I am struggling as well as learning. I am moving forward to becoming a better version of myself, knowing that I lived through this and I made it out, not only okay, but better.

As, I look at my future self in the mirror, I hold a promise to myself. A promise that I will continue to move forward every day. That I will embrace my struggles and find ways to overcome them and my fears. I want to be happy and the only way for me to do that is to start being happy. I need to find the right tools to help me get out of being stuck and scared. Once these bonds are off me, I can start becoming the person that I am and that I am meant to be. I look forward to meeting my future self. I hope that she has faith in me.

Sincerely,

The Old Me

P.S. Here is a piece that I wrote that I think talks about my struggle for change within myself.

 

Changing Wind

Little Star Children fighting profusely,

Back and forth, little scenes of twinkle dust dancing, bouncing,                             Painting shining images in the sky for the world below.

Who is to wake up Mother Half Moon?

And tell her the news?

That finally, the wind is changing,

Blowing in her direction

Giving her the chance to fully glow again;

Coyote stops dancing with the Star Woman

Covered in star Dust he leaves her

And jumps towards the kotcha (house) of Mother Half Moon

Dusk is slowly starting to form on the earth below

And Father Sun stops the celebration,

The sunbeams stop the dance,                                                                                          pick up their drums

And walk behind Father Sun towards the cloud loklo (valley) of rest

And prepare for the next days celebration.

Coyote looks back towards the Star Children

Who have stopped their fighting?

And are staring at him dumbfounded,

As he gets closer to Mother Half Moon’s kotcha

Coyote grins happily like the bob-cat

And casually wakes up Mother Half Moon.

As she wakes up, the world becomes aglow with her radiating light

As she walks out and kindles the fire,

A searching wind blows into the night, and stirs the dancing embers of the fire..

The embers stop dancing and look towards the direction of the wind.

Mother Half Moon feels the change that is coming towards her,

She smiles excitedly because she knows the goodness that is coming

For her and for her people,

This goodness has already started to take place,

Her people are changing, and for the better.

There are more or them rising up and doing good things for themselves.

No longer will they let the world hold them down.

They have survived this long, and they will survive until the end of time.

The wind sweetly sings a song of joy as it blows throughout the earth and sky,              the joy that is reflected inside the hearts of the people.

No longer will the sacred cycle of suffering, turmoil and unhappiness

Be a part of their lives.

This is exciting to them,

 And they create a new song,

A new dance and celebration

For this new wind that has created joy into their hearts.

They thank the ancestors                                                                                                   The Spirits of Coyote, Bear, and Eagle for this great reward.

They will remember them in times of struggle in the future,

To remind them of what they have done for them.

As the dancing, and celebrating commences on earth

Mother Half Moon is so filled with emotion

That she grows full again,

And the Star Children dance excitedly for this miraculous event.

This is a great omen,

The wind sings sweetly the song                                                                                       as the dance continues in the hearts of the nations of the people.